


Something Like Magic

by hernameisheather



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Baby Fic, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Pregnancy, lotsa angst doe, poor rey has no idea what she's doing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-10 04:47:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6940396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hernameisheather/pseuds/hernameisheather
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She's decided not to tell him. If Kylo found out she was pregnant with his child, he'd stop at nothing to claim the tiny creature growing within her.</p><p>Rey won't have that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Week 6

**Author's Note:**

  * For [catmusing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/catmusing/gifts).



> Hi! This is my very first Star Wars fic! So yeah, it is a baby fic, but it's not gonna be all sunshine and rainbows lol. I've been brewing on this idea since December, and I know a few baby fics have popped up since then, but I really wanted to just...write this and get it out there, yknow? So I haven't really read any of the other baby fics in an attempt to keep this plotline solely my own. 
> 
> That being said, I hope you enjoy! Let me know if you'd like to see more of this.

 

_ “You never understand life until it grows inside you.” _

_ -Sandra Chami Kassis _

 

Six weeks.

 

Six weeks since she’d last slept with Kylo Ren. 

The memory wasn’t particularly outstanding, just a typical night of eyeing one another from opposite ends of a diplomatic party that drained Rey of all her patience. It seemed to have the same effect on Kylo, for they hadn’t suffered even an hour when she felt the bite of a stone wall on her back and his greedy lips on her neck, her chest, between her thighs. A wonderful junction of pain and pleasure, of too much and not enough, of whispered sighs and muffled shouts in whatever empty room they’d found first.

_ (“You fucking whore.” He growled playfully, his teeth digging into the soft skin of her neck, causing her to grunt in protest. _

_ “No marks, no marks!” _

_ “I want them to know. Let them know, dammit. Let the whole kriffing galaxy know that the prize of the Resistance likes being shoved against walls and having her hair pulled.” He laughed darkly, the sound sending a spike of white hot arousal through her belly.  _

_ “No marks, Ren.” She reiterated through the haze. _

_ He scowled, but pulled her hair just how she liked, he always seemed to know what she liked. As usual, he left her skin flawless, covering only her soul in the shameful blemishes of their physical altercations. _

_ Which, Rey figured, she liked as well. She liked walking back into the party with her head held high, with nobody even suspecting what happened just down the hallway, and really, shouldn’t they  _ **_know_ ** _? How do they not sense it radiating off of her, how do they not know her thighs are sticky and her pelvis is sore, how can they look over her without knowing  _ **_exactly_ ** _ who left her this way?  _

_ {And maybe, truthfully, that was Rey’s favourite part anyways.}) _

They agreed not to label whatever their strange attraction was. Enemies, lovers, friends--they chose not to delve into it by Rey’s request _ (more like demand) _ , and though Kylo seemed far more intrigued, he respected her need for space, even if he didn’t understand it. But now, Rey didn’t care at  _ all  _ about what they were, what this could  _ mean _ . All she knew was their... _ fling _ , their  _ affair _ , the thing she  _ knew _ they shouldn’t be doing had resulted in something she never even considered happening. She was pregnant. Nothing else mattered but the horrible, terrifying knowledge that Kylo’s spawn was  _ growing inside of her _ . What made it worse is she  _ knew _ Kylo could feel her panic, she  _ knew _ Kylo was somewhere across the kriffing galazy, feeling his heart rate increase as hers went through the roof but does he  _ know why _ ? Can he sense it, has he figured it out? She prayed to every God she knew of, silently begging them to help her keep this from him. She  _ couldn’t _ let him find out.

They'd been so  _ careful _ , she thought mournfully, feeling as though she’d never be able to respect herself again. She must have forgotten to take the contraceptive pill after their last...encounter. The beeping plus sign seemed to ensure as much, seemed to mock her in her panic. ‘ _ You deserve this.’ _ it leered. Kriff, how could she have forgotten?? 

_ Stupid, stupid, stupid girl. _

She took another look at the pregnancy test and breathed in deeply. She wouldn’t get anywhere like this.

Forcing her jellied legs to lift her back up, she mentally ran through the options she had: one, she could terminate the pregnancy--it was early enough that it would be a simple, relatively painless process. Two, she could hide her pregnancy as long as possible, but that would only be delaying the inevitable (besides, she had no doubt Luke would figure it out within a nanosecond, if he didn't already know). The third, possibly most terrifying option--she could march right out of her room and tell somebody who could help her.

It made her stomach heave, but the third option was wisest. Somebody  _ had _ to know--who was she to go to, though?

Finn was a good contender. He was kind and knew the right things to say for comfort--however, she did not need comfort. She needed a plan. General Organa, possibly, but something told Rey that the former princess would  _ not _ like knowing who sired the child. Then again, she doubted anybody would be happy to know of her strange relationship with their enemy. She  _ could _ lie about it, though, right? Nobody had to know the father. Still--when Kylo found out, and he  _ would _ find out (There was no denying this fact, the only thing she could do was delay the inevitable), she’d have to explain why Republic enemy #1 seemed so possessive over her growing stomach. 

She felt a pang of loneliness go through her. Was there really nobody she could talk to about this? She was surrounded by kind, beautiful people, and yet she felt the chasm she’d carried within her since childhood grow larger, crumbling further away with the realization she’d have to go through this  _ completely alone. _

In that moment, she felt a small tug at her mind, encouraging her to leave her bathroom.

Shit. It was Luke, he wanted to see her. Rey cursed herself--of  _ course _ her master would feel her distress. She wasn’t exactly masking it. She prayed to the Force that he didn’t know the  _ cause _ of her panic. Not yet. She was supposed to be his padawan, training to be a Jedi and Jedi didn’t  _ have _ physical relations.  _ There is no passion, there is serenity. _

Sex does not bring serenity, she thought grimly. 

“Gods and stars,” She grumbled and set to compose herself before exiting the ‘fresher.

Luke was going to be so disappointed.

\---

Luke was meditating in a strange little grove just a few miles off the base. As she walked, honing in on her master’s Force signature, she could feel Kylo finally taking an interest in the anxiety pulsing through her end of their bond. She guessed he was in a meeting when she initially broke down and couldn’t spare any ounce of focus to check on her--she was genuinely grateful for that. He started to probe curiously around her consciousness, so Rey panicked and threw up a thick, crude, knotted wall of barbed ivy around her thoughts, around her bright light of being. He recoiled as if he’d been shot, and paused, assessing. His confusion melted into red-hot anger and he lashed out at the wall between them violently, attempting to hack it away. His fear and  _ uncertainty _ were burning into Rey painfully--after all, he wasn’t used to her closing off from him these days. She wasn’t used to it either.

_ (Don’t go! Come back, please come back!) _

_ Please leave,  _ she begged. Even through the Force and the barrier around her she knew she sounded desperate. She didn’t want him to find out. She  _ couldn’t  _ have him find out. 

_ Why?  _ He snarled in response.  _ What are you hiding from me? _

He was panicking almost as much as she was and Rey felt horrible for inflicting this kind of fear on him. She’d always known of the self hatred Kylo accumulated religiously in his heart--it was one of the first things she’d ever explored and tried to light up within him, to no apparent avail. She could feel it now as his anger bubbled higher, swirling around a tormented vortex that was only fueled more by his uncertainty, by his fear of her leaving him again--oh,  _ Kylo... _ she didn’t want to do this to him. It broke her heart to even  _ think  _ about kindling the fire of his hatred. But she had to. She had to.

_ What do you have to do?!  _ He demanded as he got little glimpses of her thoughts.

She made her walls even thicker as a way of answering him; made them dense and tangled and protected enough that his efforts to cut through felt no more intense than the itch of a bug bite. It felt horribly  _ wrong _ to close herself off to him--to feel his Force signature fade as she tried to hide her own. She hadn’t done so since they’d started sleeping together.

_ (Don’t go! Come back, please come back!) _

As she stepped over the thick roots of a tipped tree, her focus wandered to the sequence of events that led her to this point. After she’d left him on Starkiller, she went to Luke to train, to strengthen her mind, and rid herself of the pain and anger that threatened to drown her. The whole time  _ he _ was always there in the back of her mind, trying to reach her for whatever reason she didn’t even  _ begin _ to trust. She’d wanted nothing to do with him, but he was fucking stubborn. When she finally opened herself to him again, mostly just to get him to shut up, she was surprised to find a storm of emotions she didn’t think he’d harbor after their last encounter. Fascination, a bit of fear, a lot of wonder, some anger, and even a surge of desire to  _ protect  _ her. Sure, he was irritated that a scavenger from the asscrack of the galaxy was able to cut him down, but where she expected to find rage, she found  _ respect _ . Even now, Rey’s heart thrummed with the memory of what that  _ felt  _ like--to have her biggest adversary respect  _ her _ .

_ (You. A scavenger. _

_ It  _ **_is_ ** _ you.) _

After that, they’d kept a strange line of communication between them and their bond flourished. It was comforting, in a strange and limited way, for neither of them trusted the other with full reign of their thoughts and emotions. Rey especially, not after he’d attempted to pry her mind open with the intent of finding Luke’s location, but somehow found himself exploring the thoughts of the strange little scavenger instead. It would take a lot for Rey to trust him after that, and so far, Kylo hadn’t gained any. Not that he deserved it in the first place.

She didn’t actually  _ see _ him again until she accompanied General Organa to a political gala on Corellia. Rey’d never been to a core world before, one abundant with food and beautiful people, the kind of people you have to wear intricate robes around if you wanted to talk to them. Overwhelmed with the strange, new, and sophisticated atmosphere, she didn’t realize Kylo Ren and General Hux were attending the gala as representatives of the First Order.

That is until she felt Kylo Ren’s long fingers wrap around her wrist to guide her outside, away from the party, and into an empty corridor. She wasn’t sure how it happened--perhaps they were both a little intoxicated, both a little lonely--but she found herself pressed against his long torso, their lips locked in something less of a kiss and more of a desperate plea to  _ feel something.  _ Rey could vividly remember the softened, raised line of skin across his face. His scar--the mark  _ she _ ’d given him.

Luke seemed to be on a whole different plane of consciousness when she finally stepped into his grove. She knew better than to rouse him from meditation, so she folded her legs under her and sat a few feet away, resolving to meditate with him. Maybe she could find some comfort and clarity in it. Her breathing slowed to something deep and even, a complete contradiction to the turmoil in her soul, but it did help to relax her body. And really, she  _ did _ need to relax. Panicking about this wouldn’t help the situation at all, if anything, it would only serve to distract her into leaving a hole in her defenses, one large enough for  _ him _ to get in and learn  _ exactly what he’d done to her.  _

She exhaled shakily. 

_ Calm, Rey. There is peace here. There is serenity. _

After all, pregnancy tests weren’t always accurate, right? There was a good chance that the test just  _ failed _ and she was freaking out over nothing. Her fingers clenched slightly. Only one way to find out. Meditation was special for Force users in the fact they could really go within themselves, find any injuries--physical or spiritual--and apply their focus to heal the affliction. And really--pregnancy could be considered an affliction, right? Either way, that’s what Rey set to do in this moment, sending herself further into her body with each inhale, her metaphorical fingers tracing over the lines and sinews of blood vessels as she approached her center in search for undeniable confirmation.

_ (And really, she already knew. Had already felt the child’s heart begin to beat rapidly, a microscopic boom of life inside of her abdomen. Something so small yet so very fearsome in the magnitude of what it all meant.)  _

There.  _ There _ . She was nearly jolted straight out of her meditation when she felt it; the strangest flicker of something foreign yet undeniably familiar in her  _ own body _ . 

_ Gods and stars, _ she awed, unsure of how to feel. 

“Are you going to keep it?” Luke asked, his voice startling her into opening her eyes.

“I--what?” She sputtered, staring at him as a traitorous hand wrapped around her waist in an almost protective gesture. 

Luke’s eyes opened, crisp and clear despite the age that had weathered his body. “The baby.”

Agh, kriff. He knew. “How...how can you tell?” She asked. No point denying it.

Luke smiled and shook his head, glancing down at his hands. “When Leia was pregnant, her force signature had this special glow to it. Like it’d been polished.” A soft chuckle escaped his throat when  he returned his wise gaze to Rey. “Yours is doing the same thing.”

Rey relaxed a little, satisfied that meant she wasn’t completely obvious. “Oh.”

“My original question remains unanswered, though. Are you going to keep it?”

“I don’t know.”

A quiet moment passed between the two as Luke regarded Rey, making her feel like any defense she had was completely permeable to him. Maybe it was, she didn’t know. Anxiety flushed her face red, waiting with baited breath on what Luke had to say. So far he seemed...agreeable. Kind, even. But Rey knew from experience that people’s first reactions aren’t always how they feel about the subject. 

The moment ended when Luke stood and made his way to stand in front of Rey, offering her a hand. She accepted it and let him pull her up, eventually coming face to face with her master...with her child’s great-uncle. His face was hard, but it wasn’t cruel or disappointed, much to Rey’s relief  _ (but really, how could she expect cruelty from him?). _ Solemnly, he cupped her one hand in both of his and brought it to his chest. “Rey...this body is yours and I’ve no say over if you keep or terminate this pregnancy. But I do want to ensure you that you won’t be alone if you keep it. Your friends here at the base--Finn, Poe, Jess, Leia, and myself--we’ll all support you. None of us have to know the circumstances that led to this baby.” A sad twinkle in his eye suggested to Rey that Luke knew  _ exactly _ what happened. His hands dropped from his chest, guiding her palm to press into her belly, and once again, Rey felt that remarkable spark of  _ life _ inside of her. If she wasn’t so terrified, she’d be completely dumbstruck with awe. 

“But this child, should you carry it, will mean more to the galaxy than either of us can control. This child will represent the balance of the Force, of the intermingle between dark and light. And, considering the parentage, it will likely be incredibly powerful.” His gaze shadowed slightly in an unpleasant memory. “Many of the darker Force users will risk anything to obtain your baby for their own vendetta.” 

Rey swallowed, her ears echoing screams of pain that she couldn’t decipher as either memories or prophecies. Her fingers clenched and Luke dropped her hand, his expression serious in the same way it was gentle. 

“Whatever you do decide, I will always stand behind you.” He reassured her, leaning in to drop a kiss on her forehead. The breath was knocked right out of her lungs with the comforting gesture and she nodded meekly.

“I’ll sleep on it.”

\----

The next morning, Rey walked into the medic’s room, glancing around nervously to make sure no one was watching her. Satisfied they’d be alone, she closed the door tight behind her. The medic, a kind elderly woman named Ashe, smiled sweetly. Somehow that alone made some of Rey’s nerves smooth over. 

“Hi, dear. Headaches again?” She asked, already reaching for some paperwork.

“Uh, no, actually.” Rey whispered a little too softly, approaching the woman’s desk. Her heart thundered in her chest--was she really about to do this?   


“Oh?” Ashe glanced up, now pleasantly confused. “What can I do to help you then?”

Rey took a deep breath. 

__ Peace. Serenity.  
  
“Can...can I get some resources on pregnancy? I...have  __ no idea what I’m about to get into.”


	2. Weeks 7-10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohmygosh, I'm absolutely blown away by the positivity I've received for this fic so far ;w; thank you all!! I hope this chapter is good, I haven't had it beta'd, but I think it'll suffice. Happy reading my friends!!

_ “Making the decision to have a baby is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” _

_ – Elizabeth Stone _

 

It’d become something of a habit for Rey to sort of...check in on the growing child inside of her. Whether it was to make sure everything felt right or to really set in stone that  _ yes, this is happening _ , Rey wasn’t sure. She  _ was _ sure that each time she brushed against the slowly forming creature, she was instantly shocked by how magical this all was. Terrifying and unknown, but truly, completely magical. She doubted there would come a day that she wasn’t amazed by the process taking place within her body. Part of her wanted to curl up and cry, but another part, one that she couldn't stop from growing just as her child grew, made her want to laugh and shout with a feeling akin to joy. 

On Jakku, pregnancy never really crossed her mind. Kriff,  _ sex _ hardly even crossed her mind. When you spend so much time fighting just to survive, you don’t really think about that kind of thing. Pregnancy was a death sentence. Sex, as she knew it at the time, was her one way ticket. So she abstained. She survived. 

_ (“Where is he taking you?” One of the women asked in amazement, staring at the girl Hara as though she held the secrets to getting off Jakku. And in a way, she did. Somehow she’d caught the eye of a wealthy trader. Everybody, including Rey, held some kind of jealousy for her luck. _

_ “Coruscant. Maybe Endor. I don’t know!” Hara laughed, her eyes brimming with unfiltered joy. “Somewhere we can raise this child without pain. Without any of...this.” She gestured vaguely. Some of the women gasped and Rey perked up. She’d never seen a pregnant woman before. _

_ “You’re  _ **_pregnant_ ** _?!” One of them exclaimed. Had she not been leaving soon, it would have been cause for panic. Pregnancy was a death sentence.  _

_ “Yes,” Hara nodded, rubbing her tummy. Rey watched the motion, desperately trying to make out if there was a bump of any sort. She couldn’t make one out. “I’m only a few weeks along. Hopefully, by this time tomorrow, Lashan will have bought my freedom.” _

_ Rey looked away and returned to scrubbing the grime off her scraps. Envy burned in her veins. Were she as pretty as Hara, perhaps she would be able to escape this junkhole as well.  _

_ But she’s just Rey.) _

\---

“What are you going to name it?” Finn asked after a moment. He’d taken the news a little less gracefully than Luke had, but Rey didn’t really expect much else if she were being honest. 

Her brow furrowed with the question. “Finn, I literally  _ just _ decided to keep it. I barely know how pregnancy works, and you think I already have a name?” 

Her friend shrugged. “Dunno. Don’t girls always have a few names picked out? Most of the girls in my unit used to make up names for babies they’d never have. Figured you may have done the same.” 

Rey shook her head. “I haven’t ever really thought about pregnancy before.”

He nodded. Confusion and worry was apparent on his face as he tried to piece together the news. “And you’re sure you don’t want to tell me who the father is?” Finn asked quietly. Meeting his eyes, Rey knew he was hurt. He felt she didn’t trust him enough. 

Honestly she didn’t. She didn’t trust anybody to know who the father was. Luke may have already known, but she wasn’t about to confirm his suspicions. Not now. Not yet.

“I’m sorry,” She said just as quietly. “It’s not something I’m proud of.”

_ (Oh but she was, she was. Only  _ **_she_ ** _ had done this to Kylo, had made him  _ **_feel_ ** _ as much as he did for her. Of course she was proud.) _

“Plus,” She added before Finn could speak, “I don’t want the father to know. If it got out that Luke’s padawan was  _ pregnant _ , he’d know and he’d try to keep it for himself. I don’t want that.”

Finn hummed, seeming to understand at least a little of what she was trying to say. With a long, contemplative exhale, he said simply, “Okay.”

She frowned again, craning her head to see his face. “Okay?”

“Yeah.” He offered her one of his brightest, sweetest smiles. “I don’t understand completely, but I guess I don’t have to. Can I tell Poe?”

Rey was tearing up with relief as she nodded. “Of course you can tell Poe.”

Finn had taken the news a  _ lot _ better than she’d ever hoped. He wasn’t perfect, but he helped smooth over the edges of a hole that’d formed from Kylo’s absence.

Sometimes, early in the morning when she woke with nausea and spent a good hour or so at the toilet, she wished so  _ badly _ he was there. Not just through their bond, but  _ there _ , with her, holding her hair back, experiencing this pregnancy alongside her. If she wanted to, she could imagine how he was feeling across the galaxy. She knew he hadn’t given up on getting through to her--sometimes, between moments of calm, he’d attack her walls with every ounce of strength he had. It was terrifying at times and impossibly annoying at others. 

But she had Finn and Poe and Jess. They’re helping her. They’re there for her.

Now she just needs to tell Leia.

\---

In a little pocket of deep space that sat on the galaxy’s edge, a sleek warship rumbled and hummed, its journey toward an uncharted planet momentarily delayed. The ship was handsome and grand in all of its glory and displayed every characteristic the First Order strived for: dangerous, efficient, and orderly. 

Inside, General Hux stormed into the control room, his rage and irritation poorly masked. People looked up before quickly averting their gazes in an effort to avoid his wrath. Close behind, a chrome-plated stormtrooper called Phasma followed.

“How much farther?” He snapped at nobody in particular.

“18 parsecs,” Somebody called out. Hux scowled.

“Great. 18 more parsecs of dealing with Ren.”

Phasma snorted out a bark of laughter. “I still can’t believe he thinks beating up the ship will help his cause.”

“‘Beating it up’ is putting it lightly.” He answered bitterly, checking over somebody’s shoulder to make sure the ship was running correctly despite damages. “I walked in on him  _ obliterating _ one of the coolers. I have a team repairing it, but I strongly believe that the sooner we hand him over to Snoke, the better. I’m tired of playing  _ babysitter _ .” He spat the word out like it was a curse. 

“Of course, sir.” Phasma agreed. “We’ll arrive soon enough. Where’s Ren now?”

“I told him if he kept destroying my bloody ship I’d shoot him right off of it.” Hux wasn’t even exaggerating and everybody knew it. “So I suppose he’s off in his quarters talking to that damn mask again.”

“What’s gotten into him? He seems much more explosive as of late.”

“Who knows. Whatever it is, I’m sick of it.” He turned as a mechanic came in to let him know that the cooler was repaired. “Good. Get hyperdrive warmed up. I don’t want to add any more time to our trip than necessary.”

\---

“Ready, kid?” Luke asked with a small smile. They’d come to a stop in front of the General’s door and Rey’s mouth was dry,  her palms sweaty. Telling Finn, Poe, and Jess? Piece of cake. Telling General Organa? She had  _ no  _ idea what to expect.

“Yeah. Ready as ever.” She lied. Luke smiled again, more of an encouraging smile than anything else and knocked on the door.

It slid open to reveal Leia at her desk, pouring over some papers with old spectacles on the bridge of her nose. She looked positively efficient and natural in this environment of politics and war--Rey wondered if she’d ever be able to say the same about herself. Luke’s twin glanced up as they entered and offered them a warm smile. “Luke, Rey. What can I do for you? How’s training?” She put down some papers to focus her attention on them.

Rey sat at one of the chairs and Luke closed the door. “Training is going very well. Rey’s incredibly bright.”

Leia’s eyes sparkled. “I knew she would be. Well, then, what are you in here for?”

Rey’s heart caught in her throat. Here it goes. 

“Well,” She started. She found she couldn’t meet the General’s gaze. She couldn’t look at the grandmother of her own damn child. Would Leia know? Somehow, Rey had no doubts that Leia could pick her apart and piece together the parentage if she so pleased. “I mean...there’s no good way for me to put this--”

“You’re pregnant.”

_ Now  _ Rey could meet her eyes. She glanced in alarm from Leia, to Luke, and back to Leia. “I...how did you know?”

The middle aged woman smiled much like her twin had the preceding month. “Rey, from one previously pregnant woman to another, you’re  _ glowing _ .”

Rey thought about the analogy Luke had used. “Like...my Force signature?”

“No. Well, a little bit that, but that’s not entirely it. Your skin is rosy and hydrated, your hair is particularly shiny as well.” She leaned forward a bit, a conspiratorial gleam to her eye. “You look radiant, is what I’m trying to say. When you’re old like I am, you learn the look of a pregnant woman.” 

“It isn’t all sunshine, Leia--” Luke tried to remind her and she scowled at her brother.

“Of  _ course  _ it is. Being pregnant is a miracle in and of itself--Luke, did you know that the human vagina is so acidic it can bleach clothes? What the hell do you think it does to sperm, hm?”

“ _ Leia. _ ”

“Right, right,  _ fine _ .” Leia took Rey’s hands, her expression turning very grave very fast. “Listen, dear. Being pregnant is going to change your life. Having a  _ child _ changes everything about how you view the galaxy.” Her eyes were wistful, sad. “But you  _ are _ powerful. And Luke is right--it won’t be all sunshine. There are dark people in this galaxy who will stop at nothing to claim that child and turn it into something horrible.”

Goosebumps broke out on Rey’s arms as Leia spoke. Her tone was so serious, so  _ wise _ and knowing...but of course this woman knew what she was saying. She’d gone through the same exact thing with a little boy named Ben. 

“So, of course, that calls for a plan.” The General let go of Rey’s hand in favor of picking up a pen to jot down some notes. “Who have you told?”

“Finn, Poe, Jess...oh, and Ashe the medic.”

“Good. Don’t tell anybody else and swear them to secrecy.” Leia made a note of the names. “How far along are you?”

“Nearly 10 weeks.” Rey’s mind whirled with all of this--how was Leia so calm? So efficient? Since finding out, Rey’s most productive moments were the ones where she  _ didn’t _ get vomit in her hair.

“So you have a couple of months before you really start to show.” She nodded. “When your belly starts getting noticeable, we’re going to have to send you somewhere fairly secluded, but safe. I want you to stay there until your due date, and then we’ll send a medical ship out to you. Can we do that?”

Rey was stuck on the first part, her ears roaring. “Wait--you’re going to  _ leave _ me somewhere?!”

_ (Don’t go! Come back, please come back!) _

“Not for long, my dear.” Leia tried to reassure, but it was too late. Rey was falling into the inky tendrils of panic--really, why did she ever decide to keep this...this  _ thing _ growing inside of her? Disgust rippled through her belly and in this moment, she  _ hated _ the monster growing inside of her.  All it did was give her more grief and now it was ripping her from a place she thought she finally  _ belonged. _

“Rey, I need you to breathe.” Luke said calmly, his voice aided by the Force to reach her through her fog. “Breathe. Listen. The resistance is no stranger to having rats amongst our forces. When you show, they’ll immediately tell the First Order and Snoke will do whatever it takes to obtain that child. You know this to be true.

“Calm. Serenity. Rey, we need to figure this out. We aren’t abandoning you. We’re protecting you and your child.”

_ I want it out, I want it  _ **_out_ ** _. _

Rey nodded dumbly and took a deep breath. Slowly, she came back to the present, though anxiety still bit at her edges like a rat on wood and her hatred had yet to fade. She felt sick and  _ wrong _ and her stomach absolutely  _ burned _ as she tried everything she could to forget about the fact she was pregnant with  _ his _ child.

_ This is his fault, not the baby’s. His fault. His fault. _

Rey found she couldn’t stop blaming the child.

Leia’s smile was apologetic as she once again took Rey’s hand. Rey wished the attempt at kindness worked, but at most it just made her more antsy. “We can send Finn, Poe, or Jess with you. You don’t have to be alone wherever we decide to place you...the details don’t need to be figured out today, anyways. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to protect your child.” She paused and seemed to be contemplating whatever she had to say next. “I...messed up with Ben. I know that.” She exhaled, “But I won’t fail you, my dear. I won’t let what happened to me happen to you.”

_ I want it out, I want it  _ **_out_ ** _. _

“Thank you, General.” She said slowly, willing herself to sound believable.

Leia stood. “I’ll send you some possible locations. Now go get some food, you’re eating for two now!”

Rey and Luke stood as well with the dismissal. “Yes, ma’am.” Rey said. She felt numb. She felt lost all over again. Leia shook her hand firmly, giving the girl a supportive smile.

“You’re going to be okay, child.” She promised.

Rey wasn’t so sure.

Luke exited the room alongside his padawan, glancing worriedly at her. “Are you alright?” He asked softly.

Rey didn’t look at him. She didn’t trust herself not to cry. So instead she nodded, hugging herself like she was trying to keep her fragile seams together. “I just need to take a nap.”

Luke didn’t believe her, but he knew the look of somebody who needed to be alone. He squeezed her arm. “Alright. If you need me, you know where to look.”

 

\---

 

_ (She was dreaming. At least, she  _ **_hoped_ ** _ this was a dream. The smell of blood permeated her nostrils like acid, making her want to retch. Nothing was clear as she ran forward--where was she? It seemed to be a large field, but the grass was red rather than green. Her peripheral vision was foggy and she could hear the sounds of war all around her as well as the crying of a distressed woman somewhere in the distance. Rey ran towards it, feeling as though she needed to find this woman and help her. _

_ “Where are you?!” She shouted into the reddened mist. A bomb blew behind her, but she didn’t care, she was solely focused on reaching the woman. Crying grew louder in her ears until she couldn’t pinpoint where it was at all--it seemed to be coming from the mist itself. “Hello?!” _

_ Then, she couldn’t hear the woman’s sobbing anymore, replaced by the sound of a baby screaming as it was brought into the world. A hushed conversation flowed in the background. Rey whirled around, trying to find the source of the wailing or the conversation, but was blinded by a bright light shining through the hazy fog. She stumbled back, and in a disorienting rush, the landscape collapsed into itself until it took the form of a hospital room. _

_ “Keep her out.” Somebody growled when she lifted her head. She couldn’t see anything, but  _ **_fuck_ ** _ could she feel something terrible going on in her stomach. She cried out in pain as an intense cramp-like sensation gripped her entire abdomen. Somebody’s heavy palm pressed into her forehead and laid her back down, fearless even as she snarled at them, ready to bite and maim if necessary. In fact, they  _ **_laughed_ ** _. _

_ “I told you not to leave me,” Kylo purred, stroking hair back from her face. “You tried to hide this baby from me? Foolish. You should have known better.” _

_ Another contraction took over her body and she groaned. “Leave us alone!” She hissed out. Kylo shook his head. _

_ “Poor miss Rey. You tried so hard to keep it from me.” _

_ Rey screamed as muscles were stretched beyond their capacity, creating a horrible, burning pain as skin tore to accommodate her baby. Tears slipped from her eyes when she clenched them shut. She didn’t want to see it. Didn’t want to watch them take her baby away. _

_ “Mommy? Why are you crying?”  _

_ Rey snapped her eyes back open, inhaling sharply as yet another scene was laid out in front of her. Looking around in shock, she saw warm, natural light dancing on dust motes in the air, laying out in glowing planes on the floor. She was in a house, it seemed, craning her head to take in a setting much clearer than the last two. What the hell? _

_ “Mommy?”  _

_ A sob broke from Rey’s throat when she looked down to see a child-- _ **_her_ ** _ child. He was maybe four here and his head was covered in black curls. He looked so much like his father, but Rey recognized her nose and lips on the boy’s features. She covered her mouth in awe. _

_ The boy raised one eyebrow, curious as to why his mother was acting so strange. He climbed onto her lap and gave her a stern glare that made him look more like General Organa than anything. She could have laughed if she wasn’t so blown away. “Mommy,” He said, planting his little hands on her cheeks. “Do you need a nap?” _

_ She shook her head. Part of her wanted to run as far as she could--after all, this child is why Leia wanted to send her away, right? An instinct deeper than her fear of being abandoned took over, though, and she pulled her son in for a tight embrace, burying her nose in his curly hair. “No,” She whispered, afraid to break the moment by speaking too loud. “No, Mommy is okay.” _

_ A door opened and closed, leading to heavy footsteps that advanced toward the room they were in. Lifting her head, Rey frowned at the sight of Kylo in the doorway, wearing his father’s jacket like it belonged to him. He smiled at what he’d walked into and came closer. Rey found, though, that while she knew she should shield her child from this man, she felt safe enough to smile back, to accept the press of his lips to her forehead. Her son pulled away so he could twist to his father, grinning wildly. _

_ “Papa!” He shouted, raising his arms. _

_ Kylo grinned and took the cue to lift the boy high up, causing a peel of shriek-like giggles to pour from his mouth. “Hey kid. Bothering your mother already?” _

_ “No, Mommy was crying.” _

_ A worried look was sent her direction at that, Kylo’s eyes speaking volumes as he wordlessly asked if she was okay. _

_ She couldn’t answer, though. She honestly didn’t know how.) _

Rey woke, though she took her time opening her eyes. It had grown dark out already--a quick glance at the clock told her it was 03:45. Sheets kissed her skin when she twisted on her bed to lay upon her back, staring up at the ceiling, reliving the wonderful memory of that last dream. One of her hands came to rest on her tummy, right above where she knew her baby grew. She shouldn’t have been so quick to judge Leia’s decision--if her second dream was any indication, she  _ would _ be in danger, especially from Kylo. The third dream, while blissfully serene, was nothing more than a hopeless, heartbreaking fantasy--she knew that for a fact. She needed to take action if she wanted to protect her child from a father that would only bring pain and misery into both their lives.  _ (Something about that didn’t feel right, though. Something inside of her still wanted Kylo there, still wanted that precious home to raise their child together. But it was a dream. It was a dream. It was a dream.) _ Taking a moment to meditate, she steeled her heart and mind for the months to come, somehow convincing herself that she wasn’t going to be abandoned. Besides, even if she was, she’d still have her baby. She’d be able to keep him safe--that’s all that mattered to her now.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered aloud, silently vowing to always love this child, no matter the frustration, no matter the weakness. ( _ To be honest, though, her dream had already convinced her that hating it ever again would be impossible.) _

As a few tears slipped down her cheeks, her heart thrummed in time with her child’s.

She was forgiven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if you liked it!

**Author's Note:**

> Guh I feel like first chapters are always so awkward.


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